Coming of Age
COMING OF AGE
By Jon Biemer
Words presented to the Wy'east Unitarian Universalist Congregation on May 24, 2009
Think about a young person, say between the ages of five and fifteen: your son or daughter or someone else's, within or outside the congregation. These words will be more meaningful if you keep that person in mind. If no one comes to mind, think of yourself as a child and your coming of age experiences.
Example Coming of Age Ceremonies
While there are rites of passage associated with every stage of life, I will focus on puberty or adolescent coming of age experiences.
Some say one becomes a "soldier of Christ" as a result of the Catholic sacrament of Confirmation. This is a ceremony I sought out for myself at the age of seventeen. You might say I am absent without leave since I no longer attend a Catholic church. Or you could say that I am carrying on Jesus' work as a social activist.
At the age of thirteen my Jewish friend Larry studied for his Bar Mitzvah. Boys are considered responsible to follow the Jewish commandments and laws after the Bar Mitzvah. For girls a related Bat Mitzvah occurs at the age of twelve
In Navajo mythology Changing Woman was the first human who could bear life. The Kinaalda ceremony honors a girls taking on that role at first menses. The girl runs toward the Sun as far as she can each morning for four days. She makes a corn cake in the traditional way. She is "molded" by her mother without being touched. In turn, the young woman helps little ones stand straight and offers a healing hand to the elders. Linda, a member of my writer's group, arranged a modified Kinaalda for her daughter.
The indigenous people of Pentecost Island invite young men to jump off a seventy-five foot bamboo tower with ankles tied with vines - the original bungee jumping. The community looks on with approval. Some pay very close attention to the health and length of those vines. After the Land Jump a young man is considered ready for marriage.
The Boy Scout Eagle Scout service project is worthy of a man. Bron, a man I used to climb mountains with, helps young men complete trail building Eagle projects and frames a collage of awards the boy has received.
Wy'east co-hosted coming of age ceremonies with a Unitarian Universalist focus for two years. These ceremonies involved mentorship with a member of the congregation, four hours in the woods by one's self, and a speech in front of the congregation. The young person was asked to consider and profess what he or she believed, a difficult challenge for most of the young people.
Let us not discount spending quality time with an elder. The movie On Golden Pond depicted a boy spending the summer with grandparents. The book English Creek Ivan Doig tells of a boy who spends time with a disgraced forest ranger. In the Earnest Hemingway story "Indian Camp" Nick's father, a doctor, takes him on a rural house call to witness a cesarean birth. These were all coming of age experiences.
The Grand Canyon
As I describe my son Will's coming of age experience, think about the steps and the people involved. Can you see yourself in one of these roles?
I first thought seriously about a coming of age ceremony for my sons when my mother sent me a transcript of a Robert Bly interview. Bly asserted that without a coming of age ceremony a boy might fail to learn the discernment and self-control needed to say "no" to say no to drugs and alcohol. If he has not overcome a great challenge, he might turn to war to prove his manhood.
I figured that the Grand Canyon would offer a good coming of age experience Will. I had mountaineering experience, and I had been to the Canyon as a graduate student. I was pleased that Will agreed to go. I told him it would be hard.
He said, "I know."
Upon hearing my intentions a men's group friend, Michael, suggested I contact a Southern Paiute by the name of Benn who lives north of the Canyon. Benn and I corresponded, and he welcomed the opportunity to accompany Will and I into the Canyon.
October is the best time to do the Canyon, before the winter snows on top and after the summer heat on the bottom. Willow, my wife, met with my son's eighth grade teacher. Ms. Kennedy said, "Sure he can take a week off from school, if he writes a report about the trip." I would have let it go at that, but Willow said, "No, this is a spiritual ceremony." That extra effort, that treating of our undertaking as sacred, was a wonderful blessing.
The Park Service denied my application for back-country permits, even though I applied months in advance. Will and I took the trip to see Benn anyway. Maybe there would be another place where we could do a coming of age experience. It turned out Benn convinced a ranger in the Park Service that this was a ceremony - worthy of a permit to Deer Spring, twelve miles and five thousand vertical feet from the canyon rim.
It also turns out that Benn had had a terrible second day on the way down, especially with the afternoon heat in a desolate area called Surprise Valley. Benn lagged behind. He was out of water. I asked him if we should turn back. He said, "No, I want Will to see the place where my people came from." Will checked in with Benn regularly and gave him the rest of his water.
The spring when we reached it was wonderful, pouring water right out of the canyon wall. The stream valley was a Garden of Eden. There were petro glyphs on the walls. But we did not have the luxury of being tourists.
The next morning I asked Will to carry some of Benn's load for the hike out. I would carry extra water and hike slowly with frequent rests. I was pleasantly surprised that we made it through Surprise Valley before noon. Neither Will or Benn complained. We were able to ascend the Red Wall and reach some potholes with water by four in the afternoon. I felt relieved and celebratory. We immediately started filtering the water and using iodine tablets to disinfect it.
However, after an hour's work, the water in our canteens was still green. Benn called it "swamp water". Will said, "We have some water cached further up."
"That's four more miles."
"Can we do it?" Will asked.
Will led Benn and I on a "death march" to reach that water. I had to ask him to slow down several times. He followed trail cairns like a true trekker, even though this was his first backpack. We had clear water that night - and an easy hike out the next day.
I would like to say that Will became a man as a result of that adventure. The reality is that he had a lot more growing up to do. He barely graduated from high school -- with lots of help from wise counselors, benevolent teachers, and persistent parents. Will's attempts at college did not work out well either. And yet, now at the age of twenty-six, he makes his living as a successful computer consultant.
To prepare for this talk, I asked Will how the Canyon experience affected him over time. He said, "When I get into a deep hole, I know I have got to get out." The company he consults for just agreed to supply furniture to a multi-billion dollar retailer. Will's job is to establish the ordering, billing and inventory computer interfaces. It was supposed to be a ten day job. The project is now well into its second month, and they are up against another major technical barrier. "Do I figure out how to do it, or do I hire someone who has done this before -- for $20,000? It is not a question of whether we will do it." Will added, "The Canyon trip was a trial. That will always be there with a trip that large. You learn what you need to learn on your own, things that can't be taught. For me the two strongest parts of a project are the very beginning and the very end. The middle is hard. The first quarter of the second half is treacherous. You need to keep going."
Will plans to marry this coming August. I am optimistic. He looks forward to taking his children on coming of age adventures.
Coming of Age Guidelines
I am not advocating that everyone her take their child to the Grand Canyon. Nor am I recommending that Wy'east host a Unitarian-Universalist flavored coming of age program. I am advocating that every child in our congregation be given an intentional l coming of age experience. And I advocate that we all take some weight for it.
Here are some guidelines, mostly from my experience.
Recognize that our society provides some standard coming of age experiences. These range from going to high school and college and military service to obtaining a drivers license and falling into - and out of - love.
Some family adventures qualify as coming of age adventures. I know one family that took a year to travel around the world. I count the deer hunting trip with my grandfather and uncle when I was thirteen as a coming of age experience. My older son, Kwanza, says Thompson Peak, the 12,000 foot mountain we climbed when he was twelve, helped him learn to be independent-much to his parents' consternation.
Some people come of age as a result of harsh circumstances. I am thinking of those who have suffered a major illness or have lost a limb. War and natural disasters subject many young people to fierce coming of age experiences. After the Nazi invasion of Norway children smuggled gold from the Norwegian treasury on their sleds to waiting boats. The Germans thought they were playing. But the children had to be deadly serious. I hope someone helped them process their experience.
Let the adventure be what it is. The phrase "now you are a man" makes no sense to me. A person may need several coming of age experiences. Kwanza passed his GED exam at the age of sixteen, after Thompson Peak and a trip into Hells Canyon (which I intended to be his coming of age experience). We needed to arrange a home-style graduation ceremony so he could emotionally let go of high school.
Conversely, a female's first menses is a ceremony, a new stage of life. It happens. The question is, will the young lady will feel good about herself, or will she be annoyed or ashamed? I know of a single father who asked a women friend to arrange a ceremony for his daughter. The Women of the Fourteenth Moon ceremony, that Willow talked about earlier, is also a way maidens can be welcomed into womanhood.
Before we can really support our children, we need to appreciate the value of coming of age experiences ourselves. This is not talked about much in our culture. It takes permission and effort and time to put together a full-scale undertaking. There are risks. Unexpected things happen - which is where the deepest experiences lie. It is good to talk with a child years in advance; help him or her be prepared. It may not be a matter of choice for the child. Adults may need to trust that the young person will later appreciate the experience.
Coming of age programs have their place, including programs Wy'east sponsored in the past. They can initiate the young person into the group and impart certain teachings. However, I am more interested in what will best serve the young person.
Nature is a good teacher. Meeting an animal guide can be powerful. A tree can be a teacher. But it cannot be forced. Four hours sitting in the woods is not enough. It took four days and a Grand Canyon for Will to learn what he needed to know.
It may work to invite the young person into your adult world. That is essentially what I did in taking my sons to mountains and canyons. The singer Harry Chapin took his son to his concerts. Your son or daughter or niece or nephew may get to know you in entirely new ways.
Consider tailoring a coming of age experience for each young person. If a child is interested in singing, take her to the Opera - in San Francisco or New York. If Mary wants to save the world, ask your state representative if she'd like a shadow. If Johnnie does not want to come home for dinner, buy him a Greyhound bus ticket and send him to stay with someone who you trust. More than one child has been taken in by a new family during his teenage years.
Of course there are things you to avoid. Benn, our Indian friend, discouraged me from asking Will to spend a night alone in the wilderness. The Spirits, as Benn put it, might be too strong. It might be best to avoid making your first backpack a coming age experience for your child. That would be your ceremony. On the average though, I think we limit ourselves too much.
Finally, reach out; lend a hand. The experience will enrich you as much as the child. Talk with other members of the congregation about specific children. There seems to be an assumption that coming of age is the parent's responsibility. In the old days, the parents had little to do with coming of age ceremonies. Parents often have a complicated a relationship with the child. Sometimes they are overwhelmed just keeping food on the table. Life is better when the whole village raises the child.
As individuals and as a community, let us find within our hearts the energy and wisdom needed to serve our young people well. Let us find ways to discover their true spirits, their future strengths. Let us honor their journey from childhood to adulthood.
Benediction
The song we just sang says, "We'll build a land of people so bold..." What role can you see for yourself in helping our children be bold? Will you support someone's vision of doing a coming age ceremony for his or her child? Will you ask some else for help? Will you be flexible as Ms. Kennedy and the park ranger were in the stories I have shared. Do you have a gift to share with a young person? Then make it known. Maybe you understand ceremonies well enough to help others, like Linda and Willow and Benn. Whatever role you see for yourself, play it well. As Garrison Keeler says, "Nothing you do for children is ever wasted."
Go in peace.